Today is a great day to focus on YOU!
Creating space in a world that has made no space for me. Taking up that space with pride and truth, even when told I am undeserving.
Know that you are here, you deserve to be here and anywhere else you want to be. -Nyla J
What to do when you hate yourself
If you are harming or thinking of harming yourself please reach out to the suicide hotline 988 Life Line .
You can chat, text or talk to someone for free. You are loved and deserve to live.
If you are feeling this way, let me start by saying I'm sorry. I do not want you to feel this pain. It's hard to hate the person you see in the mirror, or hate the body you are in, or hate your quirks/traits, or hate yourself for a mistake you made. Its not an easy feelings. In fact, it is very heavy. It's so heavy that I don't know where to start. I usually search some affirmations, browse Pinterest or go to TikTok hoping the algorithm saves me. Depending on how heavy it is in the moment, you may need professional help.
If you are in the space of anger and/or disgust with yourself, you are not alone in this either. Your list of why you hate yourself may feel long, but I challenge you to find one thing you like about yourself. Every time you are entering negative self talk, challenge it! Rebut it with one thing you like about yourself. When I hear that voice calling me a fat, dirty, disgusting b*tch, I rebut her with "what's wrong with being fat?"
"Why am I dirty?
Why am I disgusting?
Am I comparing myself to someone?
Am I repeating what someone told me?
I love my legs.
I have a beautiful smile and beautiful eyes.
I love my gorgous skin.
This practice is hard at first. It takes courage to challenge those thoughts. If its too hard, then start small. What prompted that thought or feeling? Break it down to the root cause. Every time your feel the overwhelming feeling to hate yourself, do something you love. I enjoy walks in the park and playing with my dog. When I get too weighed down by the hate, I make myself play with my dog for a minimum of 15 minutes. My dog is smiling and happy and it makes me happy. And if we are this happy just playing with a ball, just maybe it doesn't matter that I am fat or that I am not pretty, or that I'm awkward or I eat sloppy or I made a mistake at work that lead to me getting fired. I hate that I need so much attention in friendships. It has cost me several friendships. It is something that I am working on. And that's ok. You can dislike something about yourself and work to fix it. I try to figure out why I am this "needy" and what it means to have a connection. I self reflect on what I need from the friendship to feel connected, but also what the other person needs or don't need. Is it something I need to fix? Or am I not friends with the people who can provide the connection I am looking for.
Another hard truth is that sometimes you are hating yourself because you are not surrounded with love. You may be around family and/or friends or a romantic partner that is helping inflate the insecurity or plants seeds of insecurity that weren't there to begin with. It took me years to realize and act on the fact that I need to be alone instead of surrounding myself with people who are hyper critical or comparing me to others, or tearing me down. It is not easy but it is also not helpful to be around these people.
The last resort when I am hating myself, I look at old pics or videos of when I was loving myself. I like to concentrate on the fact that I am still that person. If, I can't find any, I will look at old pics and find something I love about me. I will look back on past accomplishments, big and small. Most importantly, I repeat to myself that "I am not my mistakes. My mistakes do not define me." Anything you have done either cannot be undone or can be fixed. If it cannot be undone, lets make peace with what happened and forgive ourselves. If it can be fixed, fix it. Now fixing it doesn't mean that it will be exactly like it was before, but it will help mend any relationships and practice self love. I am here with you and I love you.
Say what you need to say
*****Trigger warning; contains refers to sexual abuse & sexual assault****
*****Trigger warning; contains refers to sexual abuse & sexual assault****
Something I have learned the hard way, say what you need to say.
I grew up an introvert, shy and not very talkative to those outside of my siblings. Now this could have been due to the sexual abuse I experienced during my childhood, but I was shy nonetheless. Now that I am older, I have become more confident, talkative and demanding of my respect. I attribute this largely to my growth; allowing me to be myself, and addressing things in the moment (even if I am afraid or uncomfortable). I started this when I was about 18 or 19 years old (I am now in my late 30s). It was uncomfortable, and I would stutter, mumble or quickly rehearse in my head how I would address someone's disrespect. I will not lie and say it was easy, however, it did quickly build my self esteem and self respect. If someone is commenting on my weight and it makes me uncomfortable, I address it in the moment. I say things like "I am not here to discuss my weight" or " I am sensitive about my weight and do not appreciate your comments". I have even had to be more assertive and say things such as " I have asked you not to comment on my weight". If someone cares about you and how they make you feel, they will stop. If they do not love nor care, they will continue this behavior. I suggest removing yourself from the situation. This has done wonders for me and honestly, life has been better because of it. It gets easier with practice. Eventually, this evolved to addressing things that have been heavy on my mind. I am now pretty open about the sexual abuse I've experienced. It contributed to my feelings of self worthlessness and my lack of confidence and self love. As years went on, I've spoken with several therapist (I still see a therapist), and journal a lot to deal with the trauma.
In most recent years, I've realized that what I needed was to address the trauma to my mother. Now, this is not an easy thing for a mother to hear. Unfortunately, it must be done in order for me to heal and for my mother and I to have a relationship. I mulled over this for months. I've attempted the conversation several times but choked each time. One day, recently, I just had to get it off my chest. I didn't have the conversation rehearsed like I normally would, and I didn't know what would happen after I said the words, but I knew that I had to say something and I had to say it now. My throat was hot and my hands were shaking, because its my mom and I didn't want to hurt her nor make her uncomfortable. The words just spilled out of my mouth. It was the most relieving thing that has ever happened. More relieving than...anything you can imagine. It was awkward and uncomfortable at first. She listened and we mended a lot of hurt in the one conversation. All because, I said what I had to say. It was eating me alive and I had to say it. I didn't sugar coat, I didn't place any blame, and I didn't put anyone else's needs before my own. It is one of the best things I have ever done.
If you or someone you know is experiencing sexual abuse, know that you are not alone. Please, do what is needed for you to heal. If you do not know where to start, see the following resources;
National Sexual Assault Hotline 1-800-656-4673
Resources for Sexual Assault Survivors
National Sexual Violence Resource Center
"You let yourself get too lonely"
Some advice that I once refused, was the best advice I had ever heard
when you become too lonely, you become desperate
you lower your bar
you accept treatment you would not normally endure
just because you are alone does not mean you are lonely
find what you enjoy and do it alone
others should only add to your experience
they are not needed
all you need is you
don't be scared to be alone
face yourself
enjoy yourself
find yourself
you can create memories, build character, self esteem and self respect
everyone needs and deserves that
when you do this, you build a love for yourself, you dance like no one is watching, you careless about the judgement of of others and be the best you
take yourself on what I like to call solo dates
Self Care & Grief
!!!!! Trigger warning: This post contains experiences relating to death !!!!!
This is very intimate, so you might as well cry with with me.
There's not easy way to say this. There no way to sugar code it so, I will just say it.
My best friend died last year. I won't get into details, just that, at 30, you don't think your friends are going to die. At least not right now. Even if they have preexisting conditions or participate in activities that others deem dangerous. And yes, I know its not my parent nor my spouse and some will argue that its not as painful. I am not here to compare pain and trauma. That is a weird game and No one wins. I have lost a parent, and it did hurt. Hurts to this day. But losing my best friend was different. I normally don't hear of ways to navigate through grief of a friend. One thing I am learning, and may continue to learn, is that there is no right way to grieve. Yes, we have the 'steps' of anger and disbelief etc. But each loss will be different. Each person grieving is different, so these steps may come and go, and a few haven't come at all. For me, It has been touch and go. I have found a few helpful things in the past few months.
Don't avoid talking about your loved one that is no longer here. Even if you fear that hearing their name will bring tears,. Go forward. CRY IT OUT! Those around you will understand. (And of they don't, oh well.)
Don't avoid those pictures! The joy of seeing them has provided comfort. Even when I cry. I was afraid to look at them as if the pain would jump off the portrait. If you cry, that's just your love overflowing.
It is NORMAL to feel like you never want it to stop hurting in fear that you will forget your loved one. I was afraid that if I got 'better' or didn't cry as much, that it would mean I didn't love her anymore. I've read a lot of reddit posts to know that there are thousands of people who have felt this way. The fact of the matter is, this doesn't diminish your love at all. I hold her so close and I could never ' heal' . I live with the new normal of the pain. And that sounds awful. But its like a muscle, it builds overtime to withstand the pain and the tears.
Use your support system! Those who say ' if you need anything' or ' I am here if you want to talk'. Reach out if the pain is too heavy. It could be to cry, to get out the house, to create a distraction, whatever. Those who love you, or even like you, will help you through. You can also create a support system. Attend a grief group discussion, Meetup can help you find groups in your area that hosts grief discussions.
Use your resources ! Your insurance probably has free grief counseling. Teledoc has a free virtual grief counseling. Click here The state may provide free grief counseling and the National Institute of Mental Health has free articles and helps you find professional help in your area.
Point is, you do not have to do this alone. And you do not have to feel guilty for crying or not crying. Grieving is one of the hardest parts of life, so do not feel ashamed if you need some help.
Show Your Body Some Love
You read that right. Each self love journey is unique to your personality, life style and preference. There will be moments of trial and error, but don't let that discourage you. I use several methods to show myself some love. I hope the practice below helps you as much as it helps me.
We all have those days where we don't feeling like our best selves. When I spend too much time comparing, being too hard on myself or spending too much time online shopping (wondering if I can wear my waist trainer under some of the barely there dresses) I begin to feel...less than. On days like these, I like to show my body some love.
I start with a nice shower/bath with candles and music. Afterwards, I use a soothing lotion (like the lavender lotion from Bath & Body Works). While applying the lotion, I speak love to whichever body part I am moisturizing. For example, when moisturizing my right leg, I will say something to the effect of " I love my right leg because …" then I will move on to the next body part. " I love my left arm because it has all of my tattoos" and "I love my feet because they allow me to walk through life".
This practice allows me to cease negative talk, reminding me that I am beautiful and worthy. It allows me to re-focus on the things I love about my body as well as its abilities.
Try it for a few days and let me know what you think. What did you say? Did it help?
You Are Enough
When you have a day like I'm having today. A day when you feel that you need to do more, be more. When you feel that you are overwhelmed with your to-do list. When you feel that you are still gaining weight, even though you are trying to lose weight, or you need to save money but there isn't any room in the budget. When you feel that adulting, societal pressures, life goals and expectations are all too much to bare. Remember YOU ARE ENOUGH!
Instead of focusing on what you haven't done, focus on how far you've come. Ok, you haven't bought your first house - but you are still saving and that's amazing within itself. According to Marketwatch, nearly nearly 25% of Americans have no savings. Regardless of which side of this statistic you are on, you shouldn't be so hard on yourself.
So what if you don't have this or that or haven't traveled the world -yet- if you can open your eyes then you still have time. Keep in mind how you are enough for the ones that love you. You are smart enough, you are the perfect size, the amount of money you make doesn't matter, Because they love you as you are.
If you can love others unconditionally, you CAN also love yourself without conditions. Love yourself regardless of weight, or before you earn six figures, or before you travel the world, or learn a new language or before you own a Gucci purse. Stop waiting for the right moment to deem yourself worthy and know that you are enough Before/During/After your goals are met.
